(I originally posted a version of this on Fantasy Magazine’s “Fantasy Friday: Blog for a Beer.” The topic was the seeming lack of public outrage over property damage resulting from superhero battles, and was inspired by the release of the movie Hancock).
From the Q.U. Political Science Department Head:
As the (unofficial) self-appointed Spec-Fic Community Outreach Representatives for both U.S. Presidential cadidates, Obama and McCain, I would like to release the following (completely unauthorized) statements:
McCain-ish:
I believe it is up to the individual states to determine how best to handle the issue of superhero destruction.
However, I would make a few suggestions to guide these states in their decisions.
First, and most importantly, accelerate the rebuilding of any Old Country Buffet restaurants destroyed in the fighting. I love buffets.
I have been assured by Lex Luthor himself that this is not true. In fact, I propose … er… what was I talking about? Oh, yes, I propose reducing the taxes on any profits made from such speculation, as well as the corporate tax rate in general, as that will inject additional capital back into the system that will trickle down into jobs for the common people, and ensure faster rebuilding times.
Third and finally, I support tax breaks on all purchases of Viagra. I know that may seem a bit off-topic, but seeing Superman in his blue outfit going strong at, what, 90-something (?), reminded me.
Fourth, and finally, do not rebuild urban public schools. Instead use that money to provide vouchers to the parents of the displaced students. This will allow them to send their child to a safe private school in the suburbs – well, assuming they can get in, and afford the remaining tuition. However, I feel we should be careful what schools we fund. Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, for example, apparently has an unusually strong focus on teaching and researching evolution.
Finally, on the topic of immigration, many of the most powerful (and therefore destructive) superheroes entered our great nation from other countries, dimensions, planets and galaxies illegally. I propose erecting a transdimensional wall around our entire nation. And we can offer those who are already here a path to citizenship, if they are willing to use their abilities to help us defeat evil in Iraq. Not that we need help there. As General Thaddeus Ross clearly stated, everything is going really, really great there. Really.
Finally, let me just say that if you vote for me, I will send everyone a birthday card with five dollars in it.
And finally, pull my finger. Go on. It’s funny. Okay, fine, but … look who’s got your nose!
What? Oh, yes, thank you, and God bless America. And by God, I mean the real God, not the mighty Thor, or any of those other fake gods you see in eastern Indian comics, of course. But Buddha is okay. And no, I’m not just saying that to make people forget how I said I hated “gooks” in my 2000 presidential bid. Really.
Oh, and Reagan. And terrorists. Don’t really have a point, but I forgot to fit those words in earlier.
Is it nap time now? What? Oh, how do you turn this microphone off? I usually have my grandkids help me with my electronics. You should see me try to set the time on my DVD player. I — ssskkkk…
Obama-ish:
Can we rebuild a brighter, better city after a superhero battle? Yes we can. Each superhero battle is not just an event of massive destruction, but one of opportunity, and hope.
I am reminded of little Billy Bradley, who asked me, “why didn’t my mother have health insurance when Superman caused a wall to collapse on her leg?” We must do more to ensure every citizen has the ability to seek medical aid after a superhero battle without fear of massive debt. That’s why I propose a voluntary universal health care system, as well as a superhero national volunteer program. For example, if Superman broke the woman’s leg, there is no reason he can’t use his x-ray vision to determine the damage, and save her the cost of hospital x-rays.
That’s point one.
Point two, we must address the rampant profiteering that drives this destruction. I support the efforts by Senate Democrats to levy a windfall tax on the insurance and construction companies, like Lexcorp, that have grossly profited from, and arguably increased, the destruction of people’s homes and offices. I also support increased accountability from building inspectors who sign off on these sub-standard and oddly explosive buildings.
Point three, we must ensure that the constant destruction of property does not destroy the lives of the middle-class men and women who work and live in these buildings. That’s why I propose rolling back the tax cuts on the corporations and the wealthiest 1 percent, like Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne, in order to provide additional tax relief and to extend unemployment benefits to the people who really deserve and need it, the hard working lower and middle class Americans, like my local press contact here, Peter Parker.
Point four, I intend to bring our troops home from Iraq as quickly as possible, so that our national guard can be available to help safeguard and rebuild our own cities during and after these superhero battles.
Point five, let’s take these opportunities to build more energy efficient buildings that utilize solar power, water and waste recycling technologies, and more. And for every gas-guzzling car tossed or blasted or ripped apart, let us replace it with a hybrid or electric car. In this way, we can take the jobs lost due to exporting labor to cheap countries like Dr. Doom’s Latveria, and to the destruction of workplaces and factories by superbattles, and replace them with “green” jobs that will put Americans back to work.
And finally, I just want to say that my favorite superhero of all time is Wonder Woman, who reminds me of my strong and beautiful wife. And no, I’m not just saying that to win over the Clinton women’s vote. Really.
Thank you, and God bless.
Your Assignment:
Respond with how you feel the presidential candidates would respond to the issue of superhero battles destroying U.S. cities, or a response to the speeches above, or how you feel the candidates would respond to other unusual topics.
Or give us some handy home repair and construction tips.
