/Begin Transmission/ So, I followed clues left in several newspaper ads and found my way to Prometheus Produce, hoping to discover the origin of the amazing deal. Signs at the entrance advised that I use standard bagging precautions, but being a pseudo-scientist I knew that to truly understand something, you have to look at it really really close and, if at all possible, touch it. What could go wrong? /End Transmission/
Well, I fear we at Q.U. are about to lose our exclusive vending deal with visiting aliens.
You see, our Crypto-Culinary Arts staff long ago realized why aliens really visit Earth.
Banana Cream Pie.
It’s quite obvious when you think about it.
Everyone who has traveled inter-dimensionally or via quantum wormholes knows that any food you take with you tends to come out tasting a bit funny. I think it has to do with the data compression, or perhaps the matter-to-energy-to-matter conversion process.
The guys in the Q.U. Physics Department explained it as: (t/m) = (
Or in layman’s terms, all inanimate organic material comes out with a taste and a texture not unlike Twinkies used to sponge the sweat from beneath oversized man-breasts.
And while most people like Twinkies (and some are fond of man-breasts), I imagine it gets old after a while to eat nothing but.
Further, aliens are horribly unimaginative and unskilled when it comes to creating tasty dishes. I think it has to do with their lack of noses. Or perhaps they lost the necessary genes during a cloning glitch.
The point is, aliens decided to create sources of food at their destination points rather than bring the food with them.
Thus, the aliens nurtured our ape ancestors on along the evolutionary path as being the most likely to produce desirable foods (we already enjoyed bananas, you see, and the aliens saw the incredible potential in the fruit, and to a lesser extent in us).
And so, here we are, created specifically to invent new flavor experiences for our alien visitors. Q.U. being one of the few institutions aware of the above facts, and having established a relationship with the alien overlords who rule 3 out of the 10 leading world governments, we have had a pretty exclusive deal to provide pies to the visiting aliens.
We have, of course, been aware of their attempts to bypass us for some time. Their sad attempts to discover the secrets of making whipped cream have led to countless cow mutilations.
But now, apparently, they are getting serious about opening up to competing vendors. Hence, their “want ad” for pie, as illustrated below (taken from the Daily Mail site), which was recently left as a crop circle in the U.K.
(Footnote: In the provided physics formula, “t” is the Twinkienessence of the material in question, and “m” is the probability of man-breast sweat appearing spontaneously on Schrödinger’s brow were you to leave him trapped in a shielded box with a deadly gas pellet and one pissed-off cat. The rest is a traversable wormhole metric. (duh)).
Your Assignment:
Share any particular requests you believe aliens have made for foodstuffs, or your thoughts on crop circles, or wormhole travel. Or for that matter, a good banana cream pie recipe.
Open Letter from the Q.U. Creative Writing Department
as scribed by Randall Scott Henderson
On behalf of fantasy writers everywhere, can I just say how offended I am that the Department of Homeland Security is ignoring us?
That’s right, you heard me correctly. I actually complained about being ignored by the Department of Homeland Security.
Why?
Because, they, and other government agencies, have been bringing in “hard” science fiction writers to help them imagine “what if” scenarios and solutions for terrorist attacks and disasters.
The SIGMA group, in fact, was started years ago by Arlan Andrews specifically to advise government officials, and includes Jerry Pournelle, Greg Bear, Sage Walker and Larry Niven.
Okay, yeah, a smart bunch, granted. Heck, most members have at least one technical doctorate degree. So don’t get me wrong, I’m glad at least that these government agencies have good taste in sci-fi authors.
But while we may be ready in actuality for the Andromeda Strain (as seen in the recently released mini-series), I’m pretty certain our government is completely unprepared for, say, attack by evil fairies.
That is because most truly hard-core science fiction writers would never publicly admit belief in magic or magical creatures, and certainly not advise the government on their dangers. They sadly repress such beliefs, only letting them out in furtive 3am posts to questionable fantasy websites under the anonymity of online aliases, constantly afraid their spouse or children will walk in on them and catch them in the lie of their double life.
You know who you are.
But I digress.
Luckily, I’ve never had to be asked for advice in order to happily give it. So DHS, if you are reading this (and I know you are, since Skynet has alerted you to this article), here’s some free advice for ya.
Do Not Negotiate With Terra-ists
Kudos on creating the whole “alien” mythology around the Roswell goblin invasion.
Yeah, I’ll bet you want us to believe.
I mean, surely you’ve had some writers from the
“Mundane Science Fiction” movement tell you all the obstacles to intergalactic travel?But I happen to know for a fact that the Roswell grays were summoned forth from the bowels of a magical realm by Mrs. Beatrice Beauregard of 25038 Wilshire Lane, Roswell, New Mexico, who in a fit of drinking and black magic (never a good mix) conjured them to rid her of her deadbeat husband, Ed.
Now, I hear there are factions pushing for us to release the goblin prisoners from Area 51 and negotiate a friendly trade agreement with their world under the premise that capitalism will transform them into friends (and now that we’re nearing our saturation point for Walmarts, McDonalds and Starbucks in Earth’s own third-world countries), but I really must advise against it.
Unlike in our world, where “evil” is the guy we sold arms to last year but will buy oil from next year (when gas reaches $7 a gallon, and oil execs become the official fourth branch of government), in fantasy realms evil is frequently, well, evil. It cannot be negotiated with, unless by negotiate you mean complete submission and enslavement of the human race.
It is a poorly kept secret that “WotC” is really a front for the UN’s “World Organization for Trans-reality Combat,” and that their buyout of TSR and subsequent, repeated revisions to the D&D game rules is all a means of finding and recruiting a legion of experts on battling monsters and mages — just in case real mages and monsters invade. You know, kind of a Last Starfighter deal.
But it would be nice if the US government had its own similar program.
Might I suggest co-opting Shadowrun? Given its futuristic urban setting, you will have the advantage of easily incorporating all your cyber-samurais and hacker strike-teams (as suggested by the sci-fi writers) with the magical attack and defense squads you should begin to form based on advice from fantasy writers.
Also, while we’re discussing recruitment, be sure to search the White House (translation: king’s castle) kitchen and cleaning staff for a neglected orphan child (preferably with a foster-sibling in the military) – pretty much guaranteed that he or she will turn out to be a hero of critical importance in the coming magic wars.
Creating Supersoldiers that Don’t Suck (or Bite)
I’m sure the sci-fi writers have given you all sorts of nifty ideas for creating supersoldiers.
Cybernetic enhancements. Wetware. Genetic manipulation. Prozac. Fine suggestions, and it looks like you’ve adopted at least two of ‘em.
But just know that such preparations will barely be adequate to prepare human men and women to battle, say, rabid dwarves.
Oh yeah, and those real life “Iron Man”
exoskeletons that the sci-fi guys told you to build? Well, just make sure they have flame-throwers to take out the frost demons, ice elementals, and, of course, the abominable snowmen.But most importantly, please halt your attempts to enhance soldiers by using the blood from captured werewolves and vampires. Seriously. That will only end in pain and disaster for everyone involved. Much like watching
Full Eclipse.Expand Port Security to include Portal Security
No, I’m not talking about wormholes or inter-dimensional gateways – the science fiction guys already prepped you on those. I’m talking portals to magical lands and alternate histories.
I know you probably don’t consider portals much of a danger. The Pentagon has doubtless given a low threat assessment to a bunch of guys running around with swords and bows. And the covert arm of the DEA (a secretive group indeed) has probably classified fairy dust as non-lethal and non-addictive.
But trust me, you haven’t seen the real evil in these realms. Throwing a cheap padlock on the wardrobe or a blanket over the mirror ain’t gonna stop the real monsters if they decide to come through the portal inside it.
Your surest protection is to be prepared to defend your own self and family against magical menaces. For example, the “
Zombie Survival Guide” would be extremely handy in case of Necromancer invasion.There are also those who would argue that our government isn’t doing such a great or ethical job using the technology it already has (though I’d never say so on an open phone line), and sci-fi authors like the SIGMA group should think carefully about how their suggested solutions might actually be used.
Still, while it is true our government has always had a fondness for fiction writers (with titles like “press secretary,” “speech writer,” and “administration fixer of scientific papers on global warming,”), I’m just glad the government is willing to listen to writers of quality speculative fiction as well.
Because, after all, spec-fic writers are the smartest people on Earth – and in 73 of the 97 magical realms Earth links to.
Your Assignment
Any thoughts on the above?
What advice do you believe a fantasy writer would or should give the government?
And for bonus points, discuss any issues, ethical or otherwise, that you see with speculative fiction writers sharing their vastly superior imaginative capabilities with The Man (aka doomsday scenarios and dystopic future realizations anyone?).
Author, relapsed sarcasm addict, Clarion West graduate, milkshake connoisseur, winner of Writers of the Future, and member of Dungeon Scrawlers.
Randy’s humorous contemporary fantasy series from TOR (US) and Titan (UK) includes:
Bigfootloose and Finn Fancy Free,
now available for purchase, reading, and use in questionable acts.
In this sequel to Randy Henderson's acclaimed debut novel, Finn Fancy Necromancy, Randy Henderson spins another tale full of adventure, magic, and laughs, exploring in more depth the magical world and characters introduced in the first book.
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“… it’s an urban fantasy, one that takes place in and around present-day Seattle. But even though it deals with sinister magic and family tragedy, it counterbalances that darkness with something that’s become increasingly rare in fantasy fiction: laughs, laughs, and more laughs.” -- NPR
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