A penguin in Scotland was knighted by the Norwegians. I don’t really have any commentary on it — the story pretty well stands on its own.
I will say, however, that the penguin speaks remarkable Norwegian Penguinese — you can’t even hear his Scottish Penguinese brogue. Which is actually kind of a shame, because his brogue is so damned charming.
I’ve heard many a person who has watched the Lord of the Rings movies say that Frodo and Sam were gay. But as it turns out, they were probably just “mostly” gay.
In fact, the new information presented in an article by Robert Kunzig in the June, 2008 issue of Psychology Today suggests that even the manliest of heterosexual men and feminine of heterosexual females who read this are likely a little “gay,” though they may not realize it, and would benefit from picking partners that are at least a little “gay.”
No, I’m not talking about in Valdemar. I’m talking right here on good ole Earth.
Whether you favor evolution, intelligent design, God’s creation, Goddess’s blessing, or alien guidance, there has been a shared difficulty in explaining why homosexuality would occur in nature when it does not appear to provide survival or reproductive benefits.
In fact, this difficulty has led many to say homosexuality is learned and chosen behavior (in spite of its existence throughout recorded time, and in non-human species).
And likewise, I have heard complaints when homosexuality appears in fantasy worlds. I imagine that this happens most often when a person buys a fantasy novel looking forward to epic battles and awesome magic, and feels the inclusion of homosexuality is as unnecessary and arbitrary as disco dancing in a medieval period.
They may see it as equivalent to sticking a Mormon missionary into the middle of Lord of the Rings, or having the heroic champion pause to rail against liberal tree-huggers who don’t understand the war against the Tarerids mages in Aroc. They see it as a product of our society that need not exist in fantasy worlds, or as the author’s personal view being thrust upon them.
Well, the Psychology Today article offers not one but three answers to the mystery of homosexuality’s existence, and further proof that homosexuality is natural. While the research he discusses focuses on mundane earth-folk, I’d say these same answers would apply equally whether you’re from earth or Middle Earth.
First, it turns out there is not any single “gay gene.” Nope, not even Rock and Republic bootcuts. Rather, a wide variety of genetic traits and bio-chemical influences must all be just right for a man to turn out biologically homosexual (as versus the variety of hormones and recreational chemical influences that may make a young man experimentally bisexual).
Which means that yes, a man can be, say, 63 percent biologically gay. His sexual preferences may be completely heterosexual. He would be seen as a “real man” by today’s standards (or even by King Denethor’s standards). But he may have increased levels of kindness, sensitivity, and other nurturing traits one might consider more feminine than masculine. Think Aragorn.
Only if the other 37% of biological factors needed to make Aragorn gay had been just right during his creation would he have been born truly homosexual, and thus felt exclusively attracted to other men (or male elves, I suppose, although that’s a whole other level of sexual ambiguity and confusion).
So any woman seeking a man who is likely to stick around and help raise her child in a loving, nurturing environment would choose a guy who has a large number of the same “feminizing” traits that contribute to (but do not individually cause) homosexuality.
And this is how these traits have been selected for and perpetuated down through the generations, spreading them throughout the male population.
Another genetic factor, passed down from the mother to some male homosexuals, may literally drive a desire in some women to have lots o’ sex with men. Cue lusty bar wench. This is good for the mother since it increases the number of offspring and therefore the overall odds of her family line continuing. For even if one of her many sons turns out to be gay because of this trait, she has plenty of other children to produce grandkids.
Finally, there is the “fraternal birth order effect.” Basically, male homosexuals often have a large number of older brothers, and in fact the more older brothers a man has, the more likely he is to be gay. Why?
The leading theory is that women’s immune systems react to male fetuses, and with each successive pregnancy its resistance to male-specific proteins increases. Once this immune response reaches a certain strength, it may affect the developing fetus such that it becomes gay. This may very well explain the rarity of seventh sons of seventh sons – there’s a high probability that the first seventh son is gay, and not too likely to be fathering seven sons of his own.
Speaking of women, what of female homosexuals? Well, the studies focused on male homosexuals, allegedly due to the greater difficulty in determining female sexual orientation – as the article states, “women are much more likely to report fantasizing about both sexes, or to change how they report their sexual orientation over time.”
I’m sure that is part of it, as is, I suspect, that female homosexuality is seen as more acceptable by men and therefore less “controversial” (and thus in less urgent need of explanation). But the article suggests that perhaps similar factors that lead to male homosexuality may lead to female homosexuality – for example, a buildup of “masculinizing” genes that benefits the mother by making her a better protector of her child.
So what do all of these revelations on homosexuality mean?
It means you should replace your gaydar with the new improved gay-o-meter.
It means that homosexuality is natural and isn’t going anywhere. Nor should it, since the individual traits that contribute to it are actually beneficial in many ways – who could complain about fathers being kind and nurturing parents?
And it also makes sense that homosexuality can certainly exist in fantasy worlds and fantasy races as well.
On the flip side, it means that it makes no sense to deny gay couples the right to marry based on the argument that the union is “unnatural” because they can’t have offspring.
And it means that when you say some guy who just cut you down in World of Warcraft is “so gay” as a put down, you are technically correct, if arguably as rude and unthinking as someone who uses a racial slur.
Because every guy you can think of, both real (George W. Bush, Rick Santorum, the Pope, and Pastor Fred W. Phelps – if you actually believe they are real, that is) or fictional (Indiana Jones, Perrin Aybara, Colbey the Renshai, or Captain Sun Wolf), is likely a “little bit gay” — genetically speaking, of course.
Your Assignment:
Share your thoughts on the issue of representations of homosexuality in genre fiction; or the use of the term “so gay;” or your evidence supporting your gay-o-meter reading of genre fiction characters; or whatever you would like related to this topic.
From the Head of the Q.U. Crypto-Visual Media Department
Summary – lamerific. And since I’m not feeling too lazy to come up with anything better (unlike the writers of the movie, apparently), here’s some detail as to why.
Ark of Truth neatly wrapped up most of the loose ends of the series, and had plenty of action.
Stargate Coninuum served no purpose that I could see, and took a long boring time to do so.
The premise was okay – Baal goes back in time and messes with the timeline so SG-1 is never formed. A premise with great potential that was, unfortunately, already explored with better results in the series (with that super-geeky Sam and Daniel episode. No, no, the other one. No, not that one, the – oh, never mind).
But here’s a (lightly spoilerish) short list of why the movie dropped the ball:
1. It Takes Forever for Anything to Happen. Really.
Okay folks, this is the last Stargate SG-1 movie. Ever. You have one and a half hours to give us a movie that will be the culmination and apex of the Stargate SG-1 saga. Every minute should count.
So what do they do?
Open with a boring ceremony, and have SG-1 stand around talking about how boring it is. (i.e. the exciting battle against … falling asleep).
Next, have them spend time using their incredible investigative skills to figure out that they are in a frozen ship (i.e. the exciting battle against … being lost).
Then have them find a way out of the frozen ship (i.e. the exciting battle against … frozen water).
Then have them wandering across a frozen landscape for a while (i.e. the exciting battle against … being cold).
Then have them be rescued, and have a thrilling, long montage of … talking. About nothing we don’t already know. (i.e. the exciting battle to … uh, whatever).
Then have them stuck in boring, everyday lives (i.e. the exciting battle against … being normal). Which would have been fine if they had done anything with those lives that showed some character development, or if they had formed relationships that they then would have to sacrifice if they restored their timeline (emotional risk). But nope. Sam buys fruit-flavored cereal. I’m SO glad you made a final movie so I could see THAT!
Oh look, movie’s more than half over, and so far, NOTHING INTERESTING HAS HAPPENED!
2. Completely Unnecessary Coincidence:
The captain of the ship that brought the Stargate to
I can only assume that one of the writers suggested that Mitchell go back and turn out to be his own grandfather; they drafted the script, and then when the “own grandfather” idea got scrapped (rightly so) mid-production, they forgot why they even had Mitchell’s granddad as a character (and they’d already invested in the aging makeup), so still worked him in somehow.
3. Where was Jonas Quinn and Anubis and Janet Fraiser?
Seriously, Jonas was a key member of SG-1 for an entire season, and I enjoyed that season just as much as any other (and more than some). If this is the final hurrah, you couldn’t find a way to work him in as well? Have Baal scoop up the naquadria for a super power source to power his time machine or something?
For that matter, where was Anubis? He was a near-invincible super-baddie across multiple seasons, so if SG-1 didn’t stop him in this new timeline, how did Baal do so? A nod at least to the biggest big bad, please.
And you couldn’t even slip in Janet as the doctor who examines the team after they’re rescued or something? Sure, that’s stretching credibility, but that’s the kind of stretching the fans would be forgiving about.
4. No Relationship Resolutions.
They hinted in the end of the series that Sam and O’
In Conclusion
Seriously, this movie was just a waste of time to make, and a bigger waste to watch. Not that that will stop anyone from watching it – it is, after all, the last bit of SG-1 you’ll ever get.
Stargate Continuum could have been great, should have been great, and instead it ended an exciting series with a yawn. For shame. I hope they decide to treat it like Marvel did the Ang Lee Hulk movie by pretending it never happened, and go make the REAL final Stargate SG-1 movie. You know, one with some action.
On a Side Note
What’s up with the credits on these movies? For both Stargate movies, all the other actors are listed with just their real names “
Your Assignment:
What were your thoughts on Continuum? How could it have been better? Let me know, so I can go back in time and prevent this disappointment from ever being made.
I think about the end of the world as we know it quite a bit.
Well, okay, usually I’m contemplating CAUSING the end of the world as we know it by conquering said world with my robot army, but when I’m not doing that, I’m thinking about something or someone other than me causing the end of the world as we know it.
No, wait, actually, when I’m not contemplating conquering the world with my robot army, I’m more often dreaming of Salma Hayek and Deepika Padukone in a pillow fight (while in the background my robot army is conquering the world). But when I’m not doing THAT, I’m thinking about some disaster causing the end of the world as we know it.
Actually, no, when — oh, never mind. Suffice to say, I think about it from time to time.
So I was pretty psyched when I saw the just-released E3 trailer for Fallout 3, the new Xbox game from the creators of Oblivion that is due out this fall. It looks frickin sweet.
Then, I see Clint Harris’ blog about what skills would be handy in the event of the fall of civilization as we know it.
His list does a nice job of covering the basics – producing food, shelter, water, etcetera. I encourage you to print it off and start working on it. But when making a list of necessary skills to have in a post-apocalyptic future, I think we mustn’t forget the following:
1. Keeping children alive. And by that, I don’t mean protecting them from mutants, or starvation, or even disease, I mean protecting them from ourselves. Imagine, suddenly there is no more television, no Xbox, no Nintendo DS, no internet. The non-stop whining about being bored is likely to drive every adult mad. Especially if those kids are used to playing hours of Fallout 3 (because that game looks frickin sweet). And if you think the spoiled little munchkins will be happy with Legos and sports after playing a game like that, well, think again. We’ll need to find something to keep the youngsters occupied before they get eaten by those whom they’ve driven insane with their incessant whining. Manual labor is good, it should wear them out, but let’s face it, today’s kids have problems cleaning their rooms, let alone building a room, so they’ll probably whine so much about working that it will make their whining about being bored pale in comparison. It takes a village to raise a child – and I think that village should be far, far away from most of the adults, perhaps run by a gaggle of tough old nannies. And before you judge me too harshly, give it a few months without electricity, okay?
3. Consolidation of all religions under me. After all, religion started as a way to help control and hold together the early tribes of man, and then kind of got out of control. For an idea of what would happen after the fall of civilization as we know it, look at what happened after the fall of civilization as Romans knew it. The Holy Catholic Church controlled western knowledge, and thereby power. Next thing you know, you had crusades, witch hunts, Inquisitions, and worst of all, televangelists. And you know that a bunch of new religions and preachers will spring up out of the woodwork when the fit hits the shan again. People will believe anything if they are afraid or confused, wanting answers or wanting to feel part of something bigger than themselves. Heck, there are people who still believe Elvis is alive (when everyone in the know knows he was killed on the grassy knoll after shooting the communist alien who shot Kennedy). We can’t have that kind of fracturing of my – er, I mean our control structure. It creates chaos. So the
4. Find worthy leaders. In olden days, people turned to the elders. But it’s going to be pretty hard to respect our elders. Let’s face it, by the time the apocalypse occurs, our elders won’t be the men and women who helped settle this land. They will not have lived through the great depression, or the hardships and sacrifice of a World War. The elders won’t be those who remember where they were when Kennedy was shot, or who helped send men to the moon. The elders will be rambling on about the days of hardship when they had to cut back to just 3 double-tall Starbucks macchiatos per day because of the rising cost of fueling their SUV (the one with the televisions inset into the passenger seats, and the GPS to help them find the nearest McDonalds to feed their overweight spawn (see item 1)). Many of them will be the a-holes who brought about the end of the world as we know it in the first place. And they’re going to tell me whether I can or cannot wage war on the mutants who control the fueling station? I think not. After all, I will be the one with the Mega-Mutant Mauler achievement on the game Fallout 3 (which, by the way, looks pretty frickin suh-weet!). Yes, my vast experience at Fallout 3 will clearly make me a superior choice for the new world leader. Well, experience, and my robot armies.
So you see, when I spend many hours playing Fallout 3, it will not be me shirking my responsibilities and neglecting my relationships – it will be me preparing for the inevitable end of civilization as we know it.
Because, let’s face it – that game looks frickin sweet, right?
From the Head of the Q.U. Creative Writing Department
You’ve no doubt seen plenty of blog posts, workshops, books, and hieroglyphs describing the mistakes newbie writers should avoid, and most of them say pretty much the same things.
Well, as I am now on the verge of the cusp of almost being a semi-published author myself, I thought I’d put something different out there for all you aspiring genre fiction writers who are where I was at oh-so-many days ago, so that you may benefit from my vast experience. Many of these tips are about actually getting something written, which I’ve found tends to be one of the primary challenges aspiring writers face. And while these tips apply to most fiction writing, my focus is on genre fiction writing, and more specifically spec fic genre writing.
And don’t worry, I’ve included a summary of the “standard” bits o advicery at the end as well, just so you have everything you need in one convenient location.
1. Research is not writing. It can be helpful and even essential, depending on what you are writing, but it should be done in moderation — much like wine, jalapeno poppers, pets, and apparently phone calls to Salma Hayek (was the restraining order really necessary?). And I’m talking real research here. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that watching
2. Fanfic is not writing. Well, it is writing, but not writing that is going to get you anything except nods from people who are themselves just hoping you’ll read their fanfic piece – which they secretly think is SO much better than your fanfic piece, by the way. Not to start rumors or furry-fights or anything, but I heard them say so in another fansite. Well, okay, maybe I would like to see a furry-fight between a smokin hot cat girl furry fan and an even hotter raccoon girl furry fan. But see, because I am a real writer, I will not now go write Battlestar Galactica (new series) slash fic about cat-Starbuck and raccoon-Boomer going at it. I may think about it, but then I’ll get back to writing my completely original story about were-cat Starluck and were-raccoon Zoomer battling evil vampire androids — and wrestling each other. And that’s the kind of discipline it takes to get real writing done, folks.
3. Writing blogs is not writing. Nope, not even brilliant blog posts on the real mistakes amateur genre writers should avoid. And that is why I wrote this only after writing 1,262 words of my inevitably famous epic fantasy novel today. And my family couldn’t be more thrilled that I spent my entire day writing. Really. Well, okay, I guess I should mention:
4. Balance, Daniel-san. Don’t forget to live life. It has a funny way of providing inspiration, and recharging the ole noggin. And also, a healthy body means a healthy brain, which means … oooo, a milkshake. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yes. That having a healthy body does good things for your writer’s muscle. Just ask Alfred Hitchcock, or Hunter S. Thompson. Well, all right, bad examples. There has of course been plenty of great fiction created by anti-social crabby-pantses who were experimenting with various chemical substances. So I guess I should clarify that if you want to be a happy and prolific writer who actually lives to enjoy (and remember) your own success, then it won’t hurt to be a little social and a lot sweaty from time to time (but preferably not at the same time. Unless you’re at a gym. Or a sweat lodge. Or a sauna. Or being questioned by the police for being overly social in the sauna).
4. Writing one story is not writing. It looks like writing, but it isn’t. It’s wroting. As in, you already wrote it. Don’t get me wrong – revising is good. Revising is absolutely necessary. Cut, rearrange, clean it up, replace “alright” with “all right,” and rethink your current ending where all the Spartans survive
5. Writing an Idea is not writing. It happens – you have a brilliant and oh-so-original idea. What if a guy travels back in time to prevent his loved one from being crippled, then returns to the future to find … he is ironically crippled himself!! What if the devil promises to bring a woman’s husband back from the dead, and he comes back … as a zombie!!! … ! What if a half-elf (who is sadly rejected by both humans and elves), a snarky dwarf (who bonds with the half-elf despite their ancient racial enmity) and an angry knight (with a magical blade) battle a dragon? What if a hip goth-pseudo-Wiccan girl goes to an all-night diner, and instead of eating she actually gets eaten because the staff are all … vampires!!
Well, as … fine as those ideas are, be careful not to make the story about the idea. Most importantly, give us some reason to care about the character who is traveling around time, or the universe, or the dark urban streets. Make them live in our minds and hearts. Then we’ll actually want to find out what happens to them, and stick around long enough for you to share your idea. Your idea may be integral to the story, and in science fiction, for example, the fictiony science should always be integral to the story. But it is actually the story about the characters, with a good beginning, middle and end, that’s the ice cream. Your basic idea is the hot fudge, the scifi tech or rules of magic are the nuts and bits o cookie dough, and your carefully created world is the giant waffle cone. And now I’m hungry, so I’m going to go.
But first, as I promised up front, here is:
Randy’s Summary of Standard Writing Advice
A: Show, don’t tell. You hear this all the time. And yet they rarely explain what it actually means, which drives me crazy. So here’s what it means: Instead of writing, “Joe was hungry,” (which tells us he’s hungry) write, “Joe’s stomach rumbled when he glanced at the banana cream pie, and he tore into it with his bare hands like a zombie at a brain eating contest” (which shows us he’s hungry). As with any rule, there are of course exceptions to this. Exposition, for example, or describing the scenery, tend to be more telly than showy. Give us SOME idea where Joe is and what brought him to this sorry state, please. Context is everything.
B: Use: proper; manuscript formatting, punctuation!!! and ain’t not forget to improperly grammarize.
C: Boldly avoid smelly, hairy, juicy adjectivation and forcefully adverbining. Don’t say ran quickly. Say sprinted.
D: Be clear in his perspective (or rather my characters’ perspectives) is what she should do. Don’t switch perspectives (point of view from one character to another) in the middle of a scene or paragraph – put a clear break between shifts in perspective. And while you’re at it, watch the pronouns and naming. So if you have a character Captain John Smith who is father to Ed, don’t call him Smith in one sentence, then John in the next, then the captain in the next, then Ed’s father. Be consistent. Except when you aren’t.
E: Write what you know. This is another one that is often thrown out there but not really explained. So I shall explain. This does not mean write fanfic (see item 2 above). Nor does it mean set every story in a cubicle, a Starbucks, and your living room. And especially nor does it mean limit yourself to what scraps of knowledge you retained from your schoolin or the memories of your childhood (which I regret to inform you are implanted and false and meant to hide your android nature. But I digress). It means write what interests you, even if it is something that you must do research on (see item 1 above). If it isn’t interesting to you and not something you would want to know, then your writing will likely reflect this disinterest, and disinterestify your audience as well.
F: Write a story, not a scene (which ties into number 5 above). A character ruminates on the end of the world (and then is revealed to be … a cockroach!!!) – this is not a story. A man walks into a bar and gets eaten by a zombie, a werewolf, and a stranded soccer player? Not a story. A studly mage uses a spell to make a woman have pages of hot, graphically described sex with him? Not a story (except maybe in Penthouse magazine). A mighty warrior woman assaults a pyramid, fighting her way up to kill the chauvinistic mage at the top who has been using spells to make women sleep with him (and who also never believed a mere woman could challenge him)? Cathartic, perhaps, but nope, still not a story. They are scenes. You have to present us with a character and establish who they are, make us care about them. Then have something upset that character’s world, place them in some kind of jeopardy (health, legal, monetary, emotional, etc.). Next show us their struggle to overcome that danger. And finally, show us the outcome and how it has changed the character (even if that change is death). It sucks. God knows it sucks. I have a whole stack of great ideas. But they’re not stories, not until I can figure out all the bothersome conflict, motivation, and resolution stuff. It’s, like, work or something. Sigh.
G: Know your audience (in an intellectual sense, not necessarily in the biblical sense, although what aspiring writer isn’t in it for all the hot writer groupies that come to readings?). Do your research. Be familiar with what readers of your chosen genre seem to enjoy, don’t enjoy, and have seen a billion times before. Make your material and language age-appropriate, and if necessary at the proper movie rating level (PG, PG-13, R). This goes hand in hand with:
H: Stick to the publisher’s guidelines. Yes, even you. Yes, even though your story about the talking cat with the soul sucking sword is really, really original and cool, and only 450 words over the magazine’s word limit. And even though it’s not really the kind of thing that Ladies’ Home Journal usually publishes. But if in doubt and you still want to try, query first.
I: Use outlines for longer fiction, to make sure you have a strong beginning, middle and end, and to help fight writers block as you get into the actual writing of it. This is especially important for new writers who have not had the experience of writing a longer work all the way through. It will also save you investing many hours into something, only to realize halfway through that you don’t really have anywhere to go with the storyline or characters you’ve written.
J: Don’t use outlines for longer fiction. Let your characters tell the story, so your creative flow is not stifled or cut off by an arbitrary outline, resulting in writers block or a predictable story, or so that you don’t get bogged down in the outline stage when you are raring to do some real writing.
K: Wait, didn’t I and J contradict each other? Yep. That’s why you should do whatever works best for you, and anyone who tells you only one way is right is feeling a little too self-important. Outline a little, or a lot, or not at all. Create detailed backgrounds for your characters, or a simple paragraph describing them. Draw maps of your world, or use real world maps, or just do it all in your head. Let the characters tell the story, or if they tend to take you off too many side-paths and you’ve lost sight of what you’re even writing about, spank them gently with your outline when necessary. They’ll thank you when they grow up. Or maybe not. Basically, the goal is to get from A to Z. To paraphrase John Lennon, whatever gets you through the write is all right.
And that’s all folks. As I said, I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, and probably heard it all before – that is, if you haven’t already heard it, you know, before. I know I missed some stuff, some on purpose, some because my family is waiting patiently to play Rock Band, so don’t be surprised if I update this in the future. Especially once I’m famous, at which point I will stretch this out to 200 pages with a bunch of anecdotes and exercises and sell it as the definitive book on writing fiction.
Now stop doing “research” on the internet and go do some actual writing!
Your Assignment:
Respond with any important advice you feel I’ve missed, misled on, or that you disagree with. Or your thoughts on the challenges of writing genre fiction in general. Also, with your stories about wrestling furry fans.
From the Q.U. Visual Media Department Head:
I love the work of Guillermo del Toro (director of Pan’s Labyrinth, and the upcoming Hellboy 2). I was very pleased to hear he would be directing “The Hobbit.”
In fact, I have drafted what I suspect del Toro’s “Smaug the Dragon” will look like:
Your Assignment:
Share your thoughts on del Toro and Peter Jackson teaming up for “The Hobbit” — your hopes, your fears, (personally, I’m torn on whether including the Jules Bass music from the 1977 animated version is a hope or a fear).
(I originally posted a version of this on Fantasy Magazine’s “Fantasy Friday: Blog for a Beer.” The topic was the seeming lack of public outrage over property damage resulting from superhero battles, and was inspired by the release of the movie Hancock).
From the Q.U. Political Science Department Head:
As the (unofficial) self-appointed Spec-Fic Community Outreach Representatives for both U.S. Presidential cadidates, Obama and McCain, I would like to release the following (completely unauthorized) statements:
McCain-ish:
I believe it is up to the individual states to determine how best to handle the issue of superhero destruction.
However, I would make a few suggestions to guide these states in their decisions.
First, and most importantly, accelerate the rebuilding of any Old Country Buffet restaurants destroyed in the fighting. I love buffets.
I have been assured by Lex Luthor himself that this is not true. In fact, I propose … er… what was I talking about? Oh, yes, I propose reducing the taxes on any profits made from such speculation, as well as the corporate tax rate in general, as that will inject additional capital back into the system that will trickle down into jobs for the common people, and ensure faster rebuilding times.
Third and finally, I support tax breaks on all purchases of Viagra. I know that may seem a bit off-topic, but seeing Superman in his blue outfit going strong at, what, 90-something (?), reminded me.
Fourth, and finally, do not rebuild urban public schools. Instead use that money to provide vouchers to the parents of the displaced students. This will allow them to send their child to a safe private school in the suburbs – well, assuming they can get in, and afford the remaining tuition. However, I feel we should be careful what schools we fund. Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, for example, apparently has an unusually strong focus on teaching and researching evolution.
Finally, on the topic of immigration, many of the most powerful (and therefore destructive) superheroes entered our great nation from other countries, dimensions, planets and galaxies illegally. I propose erecting a transdimensional wall around our entire nation. And we can offer those who are already here a path to citizenship, if they are willing to use their abilities to help us defeat evil in Iraq. Not that we need help there. As General Thaddeus Ross clearly stated, everything is going really, really great there. Really.
Finally, let me just say that if you vote for me, I will send everyone a birthday card with five dollars in it.
And finally, pull my finger. Go on. It’s funny. Okay, fine, but … look who’s got your nose!
What? Oh, yes, thank you, and God bless America. And by God, I mean the real God, not the mighty Thor, or any of those other fake gods you see in eastern Indian comics, of course. But Buddha is okay. And no, I’m not just saying that to make people forget how I said I hated “gooks” in my 2000 presidential bid. Really.
Oh, and Reagan. And terrorists. Don’t really have a point, but I forgot to fit those words in earlier.
Is it nap time now? What? Oh, how do you turn this microphone off? I usually have my grandkids help me with my electronics. You should see me try to set the time on my DVD player. I — ssskkkk…
Obama-ish:
Can we rebuild a brighter, better city after a superhero battle? Yes we can. Each superhero battle is not just an event of massive destruction, but one of opportunity, and hope.
I am reminded of little Billy Bradley, who asked me, “why didn’t my mother have health insurance when Superman caused a wall to collapse on her leg?” We must do more to ensure every citizen has the ability to seek medical aid after a superhero battle without fear of massive debt. That’s why I propose a voluntary universal health care system, as well as a superhero national volunteer program. For example, if Superman broke the woman’s leg, there is no reason he can’t use his x-ray vision to determine the damage, and save her the cost of hospital x-rays.
That’s point one.
Point two, we must address the rampant profiteering that drives this destruction. I support the efforts by Senate Democrats to levy a windfall tax on the insurance and construction companies, like Lexcorp, that have grossly profited from, and arguably increased, the destruction of people’s homes and offices. I also support increased accountability from building inspectors who sign off on these sub-standard and oddly explosive buildings.
Point three, we must ensure that the constant destruction of property does not destroy the lives of the middle-class men and women who work and live in these buildings. That’s why I propose rolling back the tax cuts on the corporations and the wealthiest 1 percent, like Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne, in order to provide additional tax relief and to extend unemployment benefits to the people who really deserve and need it, the hard working lower and middle class Americans, like my local press contact here, Peter Parker.
Point four, I intend to bring our troops home from Iraq as quickly as possible, so that our national guard can be available to help safeguard and rebuild our own cities during and after these superhero battles.
Point five, let’s take these opportunities to build more energy efficient buildings that utilize solar power, water and waste recycling technologies, and more. And for every gas-guzzling car tossed or blasted or ripped apart, let us replace it with a hybrid or electric car. In this way, we can take the jobs lost due to exporting labor to cheap countries like Dr. Doom’s Latveria, and to the destruction of workplaces and factories by superbattles, and replace them with “green” jobs that will put Americans back to work.
And finally, I just want to say that my favorite superhero of all time is Wonder Woman, who reminds me of my strong and beautiful wife. And no, I’m not just saying that to win over the Clinton women’s vote. Really.
Thank you, and God bless.
Your Assignment:
Respond with how you feel the presidential candidates would respond to the issue of superhero battles destroying U.S. cities, or a response to the speeches above, or how you feel the candidates would respond to other unusual topics.
Or give us some handy home repair and construction tips.
(Warning: While it would be impossible to “spoil” something as mind-numbingly boring or inherently rotten as The Happening, I suppose I should warn you that reading this may tip you off to the movie’s “secrets.” Although, of course, the movie’s secrets are not as plausible as the real events described below. So read on. Really. You won’t regret knowing.)
It seems that some of the sentient plants intended for delivery to our Crypto-Genetics Lab were accidentally delivered to our Culinary Arts department (who “employ” a large army of leprechauns in the basement making food products for sale to various grocery chains).
As a result, many a contaminated product has been shipped to various stores and markets under our generic “store brand” labels.
We’ve traced the delivery mixup back to a rhododendron plant in Mrs. Pennywhistle’s yard, north
Anyway, clearly the delivery error was no accident, but rather a deliberate retaliation by nature.
You see, nature is angry that we have not done enough to protect Mother Earth and its vegetation.
If eaten, the sap of these sentient plants mixes with digestive enzymes to create a neurotoxin, which causes the eater to break wind.
Beware the wind!
The stench is enough to make you kill yourself. Seriously. Hundreds of people have already bought the farm, and it wasn’t pretty.
Although it was kind of cool. I mean, we couldn’t help but stand around and watch.
One guy, he killed himself with a blender. And not a giant blender either, just a regular “make me a mudslide” blender, so it was kind of messy, and slow. But we all were impressed with his level of commitment and perseverance. I believe his final words were, “Lawn mowers are for wusses.”
Another one jumped off a roof. But it wasn’t very high, and he just broke his legs. So, you know, we had to take shifts watching him croak there on the lawn. It got a bit annoying towards the end, what with him whining about thirst and all, and one freshman actually tried to stop and help him (what is society coming to, I ask you?). But it was satisfyingly tragic all the same.
And the third person, well, she watched The Happening fifteen times in a row.
So, hey, Nature, message received. Consider us warned.
That is why I am starting a campaign to end the rapacious destruction of vegetation — by supporting efforts to wipe out pandas. And koala bears. And lambs. And giraffes. And definitely bunnies, the greedy little bastards.
Your Assignment:
Share your thoughts on The Happening, on what plants think or feel, or on the many ways nature will certainly destroy us in the end. For extra credit, provide a yummy vegetarian recipe.
Well, I fear we at Q.U. are about to lose our exclusive vending deal with visiting aliens.
You see, our Crypto-Culinary Arts staff long ago realized why aliens really visit Earth.
Banana Cream Pie.
It’s quite obvious when you think about it.
Everyone who has traveled inter-dimensionally or via quantum wormholes knows that any food you take with you tends to come out tasting a bit funny. I think it has to do with the data compression, or perhaps the matter-to-energy-to-matter conversion process.
The guys in the Q.U. Physics Department explained it as: (t/m) = (
Or in layman’s terms, all inanimate organic material comes out with a taste and a texture not unlike Twinkies used to sponge the sweat from beneath oversized man-breasts.
And while most people like Twinkies (and some are fond of man-breasts), I imagine it gets old after a while to eat nothing but.
Further, aliens are horribly unimaginative and unskilled when it comes to creating tasty dishes. I think it has to do with their lack of noses. Or perhaps they lost the necessary genes during a cloning glitch.
The point is, aliens decided to create sources of food at their destination points rather than bring the food with them.
Thus, the aliens nurtured our ape ancestors on along the evolutionary path as being the most likely to produce desirable foods (we already enjoyed bananas, you see, and the aliens saw the incredible potential in the fruit, and to a lesser extent in us).
And so, here we are, created specifically to invent new flavor experiences for our alien visitors. Q.U. being one of the few institutions aware of the above facts, and having established a relationship with the alien overlords who rule 3 out of the 10 leading world governments, we have had a pretty exclusive deal to provide pies to the visiting aliens.
We have, of course, been aware of their attempts to bypass us for some time. Their sad attempts to discover the secrets of making whipped cream have led to countless cow mutilations.
But now, apparently, they are getting serious about opening up to competing vendors. Hence, their “want ad” for pie, as illustrated below (taken from the Daily Mail site), which was recently left as a crop circle in the U.K.
(Footnote: In the provided physics formula, “t” is the Twinkienessence of the material in question, and “m” is the probability of man-breast sweat appearing spontaneously on Schrödinger’s brow were you to leave him trapped in a shielded box with a deadly gas pellet and one pissed-off cat. The rest is a traversable wormhole metric. (duh)).
Your Assignment:
Share any particular requests you believe aliens have made for foodstuffs, or your thoughts on crop circles, or wormhole travel. Or for that matter, a good banana cream pie recipe.
Dear Q.U. Faculty and Students:
I’m afraid a group of monkeys has escaped from the Q.U. psychology lab, released by well-meaning but misguided animal rights activists.
WARNING: These monkeys have been infected with “all the rage.”
If they bite anyone, I fear a plague of trend zombies may spread out of control, destroying the civilized world in as little as 28 days.
And before the news agencies start digging, let me just say up front that yes, this has happened before. The Macarena. Post-Grunge Goatees. Baggy Pants with Boxers Showing. Boy bands. Beanie Babies. Reality Television. Suspender shorts. Half-Shirts. Giant sunglasses. Mullets. Muffin tops. Emo. All started by past escapes of the trend monkeys.
So you can see what is at stake here.
Being that Q.U. is the preeminent source of fantasy and science fiction knowledge, it is no surprise that the trend monkeys have created a few zombies in the genre audience as well.
One monkey got loose in our creative writing department, and spawned the trend of romance novels featuring brooding, conflicted vampires and/or snarky, tough women with dark powers and darker pasts. Another monkey got loose in our history department and created a gaggle of steampunk costumers (not the good kind). And we won’t even talk about black trenchcoats.
Your Assignment: Help us track the Trend Monkeys by reporting any trend-zombie sightings. Any particularly annoying, ridiculous, or shallow trends you spot may be the clue that leads us to these creatures. Extra credit if the trends are genre-related.
PS – approach with caution. They fling poo.
Author, relapsed sarcasm addict, Clarion West graduate, milkshake connoisseur, winner of Writers of the Future, and member of Dungeon Scrawlers.
Randy’s humorous contemporary fantasy series from TOR (US) and Titan (UK) includes:
Bigfootloose and Finn Fancy Free,
now available for purchase, reading, and use in questionable acts.
In this sequel to Randy Henderson's acclaimed debut novel, Finn Fancy Necromancy, Randy Henderson spins another tale full of adventure, magic, and laughs, exploring in more depth the magical world and characters introduced in the first book.
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“… it’s an urban fantasy, one that takes place in and around present-day Seattle. But even though it deals with sinister magic and family tragedy, it counterbalances that darkness with something that’s become increasingly rare in fantasy fiction: laughs, laughs, and more laughs.” -- NPR
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