Shmorgh is Bored – the Interweb Home of Randy Henderson

(From the Head of the Q.U. Crypto-Epidemiology Department)

 There’s a link to boring info-stuffery at the end, but here’s the really important stuff you should know.

 1. Check here to see if you have the Swine Flu.

 

2. Why are these big freakouts over diseases like Swine Flu, Mad Cow Disease, and Bird Flu a good thing, even though they end up killing fewer people annually than suffocation by getting one’s head stuck in a pickle jar? 

 Because The Zombie Apocalypse might just be avoided after all. 

That’s right. These have all been readiness drills. We are now practiced at assessing and tracking pandemics, and distributing information and medicines to combat them.  

Will some brains still get eaten when the fit hits the shan? Of course. But hopefully far fewer than would have been if the ZA had happened just ten years ago. 

Now if we can just figure a way to get the zombies to only eat those brains that aren’t being used. Like those of Hannity head nodders.

 

3. The U.S. government and CDC are attempting to convince everyone not to call it the Swine Flu, as that is hurting sales of pork products, and related agricultural interests. 

Pigs are fine with it, by the way.

Now while I can understand the government’s concerns, here’s the thing – they haven’t offered a snappier alternative. The 2009 H1N1 flu? Yeah, that’s going to catch on like wildfire. Just rolls of the tongue, that does. So here are a few suggested alternate names.  Feel free to add your own in the comments.

• The HeeNee Meany flu.
• The hUno You Know flu.
• The Hwunie Runnies
• The Universal Healthcare Doesn’t Sound So Bad Now Does It flu

  

4. When dealing with police, don’t mention concerns over swine flu. They can’t tell if you are serious or not, and will assume you need an extra ticket. Or a beat down. Depends on the country (or State, or state of your skin/caste/accent in your country or state).

  

5. Get some perspective. Yes, there have been 150 deaths from swine flu, all in Mexico last I read. And yes, there have been literally TENs of cases reported worldwide already!

But FYI, the regular flu is estimated to kill 250,000 to 500,000 people worldwide every year. Estimated deaths last year in the US were about 36,000. 

Does that mean you shouldn’t be careful? No. But also be careful not to be hit by a bus while fussing with your face mask as you cross the street, or slip in the shower as you madly wash off all the germs from your foray into the icky outside world.

 

And now, here’s the boring “need to know” info stuffery.