Well, okay, the author of The Last Unicorn would like your support.
If you enjoyed the book or movie The Last Unicorn, go check out Peter S. Beagle’s website The Raven where he makes a "Personal Request to All My Fans" that you purchase one of his many wonderful works directly from his publisher. It’s a frakked up world where an author who has brought joy to so many people has to ask for help to make his rent.
Unable to control my curiosity, I jumped ahead in time to see how the new Star Trek Reboot series would progress.
As it turns out, a resurgence of the Cowboy aesthetic in America (ala the 70’s) and the peak of the Steampunk literary and fashion trends will have a heavy influence on the direction of the franchise as they transport the series into an alternate timeline where the difference engine and manifest destiny lead to an accelerated path to space exploration.
Poor Joss. If only he’d launched Firefly in 2015, it would have become the longest running sci fi series ever.
Here’s some things I noted about future Star Trek Reboot films and series (of course, the trauma of time travel may have scrambled a few facts, but I’m pretty sure I remember these correctly):
1. Mudflaps with chrome naked ladies are hung from the warp nacelles.
2. Dilithium coal superheats the warp vat, producing "anti-steam" that, when combined with steam, powers the ship’s warp drive.
3. Scotty keeps an endless, secret stash of Romulan Chew.
4. "Fire the photon steam-pedos!"
5. Kirk, the greatest hand-to-hand fighter ever seen, is constantly being challenged for his Wrestling Federation of Planets Belt.
6. Dirigible shuttlecraft, and clockwork shuttle-horses.
7. There is increased racial tension on the bridge whenKirk insists on putting the Dixie flag above the Federation symbol.
8. "Doc" McCoy is one of the deadliest gunslingers on the ship (and one heck of a gambler). "Well ain’t you a Tigarian daisy."
9. A crewmember’s rank and department is indicated by the height and color of their top hat or stetson.
10. Instead of constantly adjusting his uniform top when he stands, "Tex" Picard adjusts the sock in his black denim pants.
11. Dee Dee Troy is grabbed by the crew, given a buzz cut, forced to down three beer bong shots, then stranded on a deserted planet, because many of the male crew members absolutely DO NOT want to get in touch with their feelings.
Riker, however, does pause to mention how much she resembled Barbara Streisand in Yentl with her hair all short like that.
He is promptly beaten.
12. In Star Trek Reboot IV: The Voyage Home Again, the crew returns to earth of the past to bring two bovine cows back to the future so that they can be “real” cowboys. However, upon reaching the past, they discover that even then most “cowboys” had never touched a real cow. Disappointed, they take a pair of Freightliner trucks back instead.
13. The Federation is dependent on Romulan Dilithium coal reserves, ravaged by horrible poverty and unemployement rates, and under constant criticism from all other races for polluting the universe with their S.U.V.s (Shuttlecrafts Using V-8s), which max-out at warp 2 and only get 14 lightyears per gallon of water.
Whoopie Goldburg’s character, “sensing” that reality has been shifted somehow, investigates and discovers that Romulan agents went back in time and helped George Bush Jr. become an earth American president in the 20th century, thus setting technological and environmental advancement back immeasurably.
She is able to finally prove to the crew that they are in the alternate, evil reality because shortly after the Romulans arrived and began establishing their mind-control transmissions (disguised as right-wing conservative radio shows) circa 1992, most of the men started wearing goatees.
And now, here is a steampunk Star Trek for your enjoyment:
And here’s the new theme song:
(From the Head of the Q.U. Crypto-Epidemiology Department)
There’s a link to boring info-stuffery at the end, but here’s the really important stuff you should know.
1. Check here to see if you have the Swine Flu.
2. Why are these big freakouts over diseases like Swine Flu, Mad Cow Disease, and Bird Flu a good thing, even though they end up killing fewer people annually than suffocation by getting one’s head stuck in a pickle jar?
Because The Zombie Apocalypse might just be avoided after all.
That’s right. These have all been readiness drills. We are now practiced at assessing and tracking pandemics, and distributing information and medicines to combat them.
Will some brains still get eaten when the fit hits the shan? Of course. But hopefully far fewer than would have been if the ZA had happened just ten years ago.
Now if we can just figure a way to get the zombies to only eat those brains that aren’t being used. Like those of Hannity head nodders.
3. The U.S. government and CDC are attempting to convince everyone not to call it the Swine Flu, as that is hurting sales of pork products, and related agricultural interests.
Pigs are fine with it, by the way.
Now while I can understand the government’s concerns, here’s the thing – they haven’t offered a snappier alternative. The 2009 H1N1 flu? Yeah, that’s going to catch on like wildfire. Just rolls of the tongue, that does. So here are a few suggested alternate names. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
4. When dealing with police, don’t mention concerns over swine flu. They can’t tell if you are serious or not, and will assume you need an extra ticket. Or a beat down. Depends on the country (or State, or state of your skin/caste/accent in your country or state).
5. Get some perspective. Yes, there have been 150 deaths from swine flu, all in Mexico last I read. And yes, there have been literally TENs of cases reported worldwide already!
But FYI, the regular flu is estimated to kill 250,000 to 500,000 people worldwide every year. Estimated deaths last year in the US were about 36,000.
Does that mean you shouldn’t be careful? No. But also be careful not to be hit by a bus while fussing with your face mask as you cross the street, or slip in the shower as you madly wash off all the germs from your foray into the icky outside world.
And now, here’s the boring “need to know” info stuffery.
Author, relapsed sarcasm addict, Clarion West graduate, milkshake connoisseur, winner of Writers of the Future, and member of Dungeon Scrawlers.
Randy’s humorous contemporary fantasy series from TOR (US) and Titan (UK) includes:
Bigfootloose and Finn Fancy Free,
now available for purchase, reading, and use in questionable acts.
In this sequel to Randy Henderson's acclaimed debut novel, Finn Fancy Necromancy, Randy Henderson spins another tale full of adventure, magic, and laughs, exploring in more depth the magical world and characters introduced in the first book.
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“… it’s an urban fantasy, one that takes place in and around present-day Seattle. But even though it deals with sinister magic and family tragedy, it counterbalances that darkness with something that’s become increasingly rare in fantasy fiction: laughs, laughs, and more laughs.” -- NPR
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