Stargate Continu-dumb Review

August 12, 2008 / Randy Henderson / No comments

From the Head of the Q.U. Crypto-Visual Media Department

Summary – lamerific. And since I’m not feeling too lazy to come up with anything better (unlike the writers of the movie, apparently), here’s some detail as to why.

Ark of Truth neatly wrapped up most of the loose ends of the series, and had plenty of action.

Stargate Coninuum served no purpose that I could see, and took a long boring time to do so.

The premise was okay – Baal goes back in time and messes with the timeline so SG-1 is never formed. A premise with great potential that was, unfortunately, already explored with better results in the series (with that super-geeky Sam and Daniel episode. No, no, the other one. No, not that one, the – oh, never mind).

But here’s a (lightly spoilerish) short list of why the movie dropped the ball:

1. It Takes Forever for Anything to Happen. Really.

Okay folks, this is the last Stargate SG-1 movie. Ever. You have one and a half hours to give us a movie that will be the culmination and apex of the Stargate SG-1 saga. Every minute should count.

So what do they do?

Open with a boring ceremony, and have SG-1 stand around talking about how boring it is. (i.e. the exciting battle against … falling asleep).

Next, have them spend time using their incredible investigative skills to figure out that they are in a frozen ship (i.e. the exciting battle against … being lost).

Then have them find a way out of the frozen ship (i.e. the exciting battle against … frozen water).

Then have them wandering across a frozen landscape for a while (i.e. the exciting battle against … being cold).

Then have them be rescued, and have a thrilling, long montage of … talking. About nothing we don’t already know. (i.e. the exciting battle to … uh, whatever).

Then have them stuck in boring, everyday lives (i.e. the exciting battle against … being normal). Which would have been fine if they had done anything with those lives that showed some character development, or if they had formed relationships that they then would have to sacrifice if they restored their timeline (emotional risk). But nope. Sam buys fruit-flavored cereal. I’m SO glad you made a final movie so I could see THAT!

Oh look, movie’s more than half over, and so far, NOTHING INTERESTING HAS HAPPENED!

2. Completely Unnecessary Coincidence:

The captain of the ship that brought the Stargate to America was the grandfather of Colonel Mitchell? Why? How did that in any way add to the story? Answer: it did not. It only strained belief. The captain could have been anybody and the story would have remained exactly the same. Mitchell’s grandfather could have been killed in WWII as a result of the changed timeline without having to be the captain of the ship if the “grandfather” paradox was really so important to maintain.

I can only assume that one of the writers suggested that Mitchell go back and turn out to be his own grandfather; they drafted the script, and then when the “own grandfather” idea got scrapped (rightly so) mid-production, they forgot why they even had Mitchell’s granddad as a character (and they’d already invested in the aging makeup), so still worked him in somehow.

3. Where was Jonas Quinn and Anubis and Janet Fraiser?

Seriously, Jonas was a key member of SG-1 for an entire season, and I enjoyed that season just as much as any other (and more than some). If this is the final hurrah, you couldn’t find a way to work him in as well? Have Baal scoop up the naquadria for a super power source to power his time machine or something?

For that matter, where was Anubis? He was a near-invincible super-baddie across multiple seasons, so if SG-1 didn’t stop him in this new timeline, how did Baal do so? A nod at least to the biggest big bad, please.

And you couldn’t even slip in Janet as the doctor who examines the team after they’re rescued or something? Sure, that’s stretching credibility, but that’s the kind of stretching the fans would be forgiving about.

4. No Relationship Resolutions.

They hinted in the end of the series that Sam and O’Neil finally hooked up. And that in the future, Jackson and Valla would do so. So what’s the point of having a final movie if you don’t actually progress or wrap up the relationships of the characters at all?

In Conclusion

Seriously, this movie was just a waste of time to make, and a bigger waste to watch. Not that that will stop anyone from watching it – it is, after all, the last bit of SG-1 you’ll ever get.

Stargate Continuum could have been great, should have been great, and instead it ended an exciting series with a yawn. For shame. I hope they decide to treat it like Marvel did the Ang Lee Hulk movie by pretending it never happened, and go make the REAL final Stargate SG-1 movie. You know, one with some action.

On a Side Note

What’s up with the credits on these movies? For both Stargate movies, all the other actors are listed with just their real names “Ben Browder,” “Amanda Tapping,” “Christopher Judge,” “Claudia Black,” et al, and then, at the end, in the place of honor, even after “Special Appearance by Richard Dean Anderson,” comes: “and Michael Shanks as Daniel Jackson” as if they were saying “and Charlton Heston as Moses” or something.

Your Assignment:

What were your thoughts on Continuum? How could it have been better? Let me know, so I can go back in time and prevent this disappointment from ever being made.