Klingon Terrorist Caught

August 24, 2008 / Randy Henderson / No comments

From the Q.U. Crypto-Journalism Department:

Note: The following article was inspired by the Earth17a-reality events reported on via the ethernet here at BoingBoing.net.

This just in:

A man was holed up in his New Jersey home wielding what police officials referred to as “one of those giant knife thingy’s from Star Trek,” after police responded to a noise complaint. All non-lethal attempts to subdue the man with tear gas, rubber bullets, tasers, fire hoses, nets, a giant roll of fly paper, and sustained blasting of Celine Dion music failed.

“That knife thing is truly a formidable weapon,” one officer was quoted as saying. “Not at all unwieldy and impractical. Not at all.” The weapon was later identified as a Klingon “bat’leth.”

As the suspect appeared to have brown skin and a beard, the U.S. military anti-terrorism unit was called in.

Military negotiators were unable to communicate with the man as he was speaking some guttural language, presumed to be “one of them Arab languages” the negotiators claimed.

Unfortunately, due to the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy of the U.S. military, most linguists likely qualified to provide translations had been discharged, and those that remained were too busy sorting through the thousands of hours of civilian wiretap recordings to assist.

Luckily, Chuck Davis, a local comic store owner, happened to see footage of the event on the news and rushed to the scene armed with a fluent knowledge of the language (which was apparently Klingon), and a deluxe replica lightsaber. Davis boldly entered the house, and emerged minutes later with the disarmed perpetrator, and only a small cut on his arm.

Davis was overheard telling the military officials that, “The guy was just upset to hear that Worf’s ancestors were not being worked into the new J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie. Does he really need to go to Guantanamo?”

When asked about the cut on his arm, Davis replied, “What, this? ‘Tis merely a flesh wound.”