Archive for June 19, 2008

The Sappening

June 19, 2008 / / No comments

(Warning: While it would be impossible to “spoil” something as mind-numbingly boring or inherently rotten as The Happening, I suppose I should warn you that reading this may tip you off to the movie’s “secrets.”  Although, of course, the movie’s secrets are not as plausible as the real events described below.  So read on.  Really.  You won’t regret knowing.)

 

It seems that some of the sentient plants intended for delivery to our Crypto-Genetics Lab were accidentally delivered to our Culinary Arts department (who “employ” a large army of leprechauns in the basement making food products for sale to various grocery chains). 

 

As a result, many a contaminated product has been shipped to various stores and markets under our generic “store brand” labels.

 

We’ve traced the delivery mixup back to a rhododendron plant in Mrs. Pennywhistle’s yard, north Kitsap, Washington, which apparently placed a call to the delivery people and claimed to be me.  My staff says it does a great impression of me.  I don’t see it. 

 

Anyway, clearly the delivery error was no accident, but rather a deliberate retaliation by nature.

 

You see, nature is angry that we have not done enough to protect Mother Earth and its vegetation. 

 

If eaten, the sap of these sentient plants mixes with digestive enzymes to create a neurotoxin, which causes the eater to break wind. 

 

Beware the wind!

 

The stench is enough to make you kill yourself.  Seriously.  Hundreds of people have already bought the farm, and it wasn’t pretty. 

 

Although it was kind of cool.  I mean, we couldn’t help but stand around and watch. 

 

One guy, he killed himself with a blender.  And not a giant blender either, just a regular “make me a mudslide” blender, so it was kind of messy, and slow.  But we all were impressed with his level of commitment and perseverance.  I believe his final words were, “Lawn mowers are for wusses.”

 

Another one jumped off a roof.  But it wasn’t very high, and he just broke his legs.  So, you know, we had to take shifts watching him croak there on the lawn.  It got a bit annoying towards the end, what with him whining about thirst and all, and one freshman actually tried to stop and help him (what is society coming to, I ask you?). But it was satisfyingly tragic all the same. 

 

And the third person, well, she watched The Happening fifteen times in a row.

 
So, hey, Nature, message received.  Consider us warned.

That is why I am starting a campaign to end the rapacious destruction of vegetation — by supporting efforts to wipe out pandas.  And koala bears. And lambs.  And giraffes.  And definitely bunnies, the greedy little bastards. 

Your Assignment:
Share your thoughts on The Happening, on what plants think or feel, or on the many ways nature will certainly destroy us in the end.  For extra credit, provide a yummy vegetarian recipe.

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Hey, I Thought Our Contract Said No More Crop Circles?

June 18, 2008 / / No comments

Well, I fear we at Q.U. are about to lose our exclusive vending deal with visiting aliens.

You see, our Crypto-Culinary Arts staff long ago realized why aliens really visit Earth. 

Banana Cream Pie.


It’s quite obvious when you think about it. 

Everyone who has traveled inter-dimensionally or via quantum wormholes knows that any food you take with you tends to come out tasting a bit funny.  I think it has to do with the data compression, or perhaps the matter-to-energy-to-matter conversion process. 

The guys in the Q.U. Physics Department explained it as: (t/m) = (Wormhole Metric) . (see footnote)

Or in layman’s terms, all inanimate organic material comes out with a taste and a texture not unlike Twinkies used to sponge the sweat from beneath oversized man-breasts. 

And while most people like Twinkies (and some are fond of man-breasts), I imagine it gets old after a while to eat nothing but.

Further, aliens are horribly unimaginative and unskilled when it comes to creating tasty dishes.  I think it has to do with their lack of noses.  Or perhaps they lost the necessary genes during a cloning glitch. 

The point is, aliens decided to create sources of food at their destination points rather than bring the food with them.

Thus, the aliens nurtured our ape ancestors on along the evolutionary path as being the most likely to produce desirable foods (we already enjoyed bananas, you see, and the aliens saw the incredible potential in the fruit, and to a lesser extent in us). 

And so, here we are, created specifically to invent new flavor experiences for our alien visitors.  Q.U. being one of the few institutions aware of the above facts, and having established a relationship with the alien overlords who rule 3 out of the 10 leading world governments, we have had a pretty exclusive deal to provide pies to the visiting aliens.

We have, of course, been aware of their attempts to bypass us for some time.  Their sad attempts to discover the secrets of making whipped cream have led to countless cow mutilations. 

But now, apparently, they are getting serious about opening up to competing vendors.  Hence, their “want ad” for pie, as illustrated below (taken from the Daily Mail site), which was recently left as a crop circle in the U.K.

Crop Circle Diagram 

(Footnote: In the provided physics formula, “t” is the Twinkienessence of the material in question, and “m” is the probability of man-breast sweat appearing spontaneously on Schrödinger’s brow were you to leave him trapped in a shielded box with a deadly gas pellet and one pissed-off cat.  The rest is a traversable wormhole metric. (duh)).

 

Your Assignment:

Share any particular requests you believe aliens have made for foodstuffs, or your thoughts on crop circles, or wormhole travel.  Or for that matter, a good banana cream pie recipe.

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Memo: Escaped Monkey Alert!

June 16, 2008 / / No comments

Dear Q.U. Faculty and Students:

I’m afraid a group of monkeys has escaped from the Q.U. psychology lab, released by well-meaning but misguided animal rights activists. 

 

WARNING: These monkeys have been infected with “all the rage.”

 

If they bite anyone, I fear a plague of trend zombies may spread out of control, destroying the civilized world in as little as 28 days.

 

And before the news agencies start digging, let me just say up front that yes, this has happened before.  The Macarena.  Post-Grunge Goatees.  Baggy Pants with Boxers Showing.  Boy bands. Beanie Babies. Reality Television. Suspender shorts. Half-Shirts.  Giant sunglasses.  Mullets. Muffin tops.  Emo.  All started by past escapes of the trend monkeys.

 

So you can see what is at stake here.

 

Being that Q.U. is the preeminent source of fantasy and science fiction knowledge, it is no surprise that the trend monkeys have created a few zombies in the genre audience as well. 

 

One monkey got loose in our creative writing department, and spawned the trend of romance novels featuring brooding, conflicted vampires and/or snarky, tough women with dark powers and darker pasts.  Another monkey got loose in our history department and created a gaggle of steampunk costumers (not the good kind).  And we won’t even talk about black trenchcoats.

 

Your Assignment: Help us track the Trend Monkeys by reporting any trend-zombie sightings.  Any particularly annoying, ridiculous, or shallow trends you spot may be the clue that leads us to these creatures.  Extra credit if the trends are genre-related.

 

PS – approach with caution.  They fling poo.

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Is Our Nation Safe from Terrorist Trolls?

June 14, 2008 / / No comments


Open Letter from the Q.U. Creative Writing Department
as scribed by Randall Scott Henderson

On behalf of fantasy writers everywhere, can I just say how offended I am that the Department of Homeland Security is ignoring us?

That’s right, you heard me correctly. I actually complained about being ignored by the Department of Homeland Security.

Why?

Because, they, and other government agencies, have been bringing in “hard” science fiction writers to help them imagine “what if” scenarios and solutions for terrorist attacks and disasters.

The SIGMA group, in fact, was started years ago by Arlan Andrews specifically to advise government officials, and includes Jerry Pournelle, Greg Bear, Sage Walker and Larry Niven.

Okay, yeah, a smart bunch, granted. Heck, most members have at least one technical doctorate degree. So don’t get me wrong, I’m glad at least that these government agencies have good taste in sci-fi authors.

But while we may be ready in actuality for the Andromeda Strain (as seen in the recently released mini-series), I’m pretty certain our government is completely unprepared for, say, attack by evil fairies.

That is because most truly hard-core science fiction writers would never publicly admit belief in magic or magical creatures, and certainly not advise the government on their dangers. They sadly repress such beliefs, only letting them out in furtive 3am posts to questionable fantasy websites under the anonymity of online aliases, constantly afraid their spouse or children will walk in on them and catch them in the lie of their double life.

You know who you are.

But I digress.

Luckily, I’ve never had to be asked for advice in order to happily give it. So DHS, if you are reading this (and I know you are, since Skynet has alerted you to this article), here’s some free advice for ya. 

Do Not Negotiate With Terra-ists
Kudos on creating the whole “alien” mythology around the Roswell goblin invasion. 

For some reason, it’s so much easier for folks to believe those squat gray little creatures were from space than to believe they were a small horde of foul subterranean creatures. Understandable in the 1940’s and ’50’s, when people thought Amazon women might live on the moon — but it’s a bit surprising today, in spite of your clever propaganda films like the forthcoming X-Files flick.

Yeah, I’ll bet you want us to believe.

I mean, surely you’ve had some writers from the “Mundane Science Fiction” movement tell you all the obstacles to intergalactic travel?

But I happen to know for a fact that the Roswell grays were summoned forth from the bowels of a magical realm by Mrs. Beatrice Beauregard of 25038 Wilshire Lane, Roswell, New Mexico, who in a fit of drinking and black magic (never a good mix) conjured them to rid her of her deadbeat husband, Ed.

Now, I hear there are factions pushing for us to release the goblin prisoners from Area 51 and negotiate a friendly trade agreement with their world under the premise that capitalism will transform them into friends (and now that we’re nearing our saturation point for Walmarts, McDonalds and Starbucks in Earth’s own third-world countries), but I really must advise against it.

Unlike in our world, where “evil” is the guy we sold arms to last year but will buy oil from next year (when gas reaches $7 a gallon, and oil execs become the official fourth branch of government), in fantasy realms evil is frequently, well, evil. It cannot be negotiated with, unless by negotiate you mean complete submission and enslavement of the human race.


Role-Playing Recruitment Techniques
WotC (codename “Wizards of the Coast”) just released their version 4.0 Dungeons & Dragons rules this past weekend (and thus, of course, an entirely new set of books).

It is a poorly kept secret that “WotC” is really a front for the UN’s “World Organization for Trans-reality Combat,” and that their buyout of TSR and subsequent, repeated revisions to the D&D game rules is all a means of finding and recruiting a legion of experts on battling monsters and mages — just in case real mages and monsters invade. You know, kind of a Last Starfighter deal.

But it would be nice if the US government had its own similar program.

Might I suggest co-opting Shadowrun? Given its futuristic urban setting, you will have the advantage of easily incorporating all your cyber-samurais and hacker strike-teams (as suggested by the sci-fi writers) with the magical attack and defense squads you should begin to form based on advice from fantasy writers.

Also, while we’re discussing recruitment, be sure to search the White House (translation: king’s castle) kitchen and cleaning staff for a neglected orphan child (preferably with a foster-sibling in the military) – pretty much guaranteed that he or she will turn out to be a hero of critical importance in the coming magic wars.

Creating Supersoldiers that Don’t Suck (or Bite)
I’m sure the sci-fi writers have given you all sorts of nifty ideas for creating supersoldiers.

Cybernetic enhancements. Wetware. Genetic manipulation. Prozac. Fine suggestions, and it looks like you’ve adopted at least two of ‘em.

But just know that such preparations will barely be adequate to prepare human men and women to battle, say, rabid dwarves.

Oh yeah, and those real life “Iron Man” exoskeletons that the sci-fi guys told you to build? Well, just make sure they have flame-throwers to take out the frost demons, ice elementals, and, of course, the abominable snowmen.

But most importantly, please halt your attempts to enhance soldiers by using the blood from captured werewolves and vampires. Seriously. That will only end in pain and disaster for everyone involved. Much like watching Full Eclipse.

Expand Port Security to include Portal Security
No, I’m not talking about wormholes or inter-dimensional gateways – the science fiction guys already prepped you on those. I’m talking portals to magical lands and alternate histories.

I know you probably don’t consider portals much of a danger. The Pentagon has doubtless given a low threat assessment to a bunch of guys running around with swords and bows. And the covert arm of the DEA (a secretive group indeed) has probably classified fairy dust as non-lethal and non-addictive.

But trust me, you haven’t seen the real evil in these realms. Throwing a cheap padlock on the wardrobe or a blanket over the mirror ain’t gonna stop the real monsters if they decide to come through the portal inside it.


On the Other Hand
Not that such preparations will do much good, I suppose. I mean, you should see how things fall apart around here if it snows an inch – and winter happens every year. I’d hate to see state and local officials attempt to implement an official “Snow Giant Attack” disaster plan.

Your surest protection is to be prepared to defend your own self and family against magical menaces. For example, the “Zombie Survival Guide” would be extremely handy in case of Necromancer invasion.

There are also those who would argue that our government isn’t doing such a great or ethical job using the technology it already has (though I’d never say so on an open phone line), and sci-fi authors like the SIGMA group should think carefully about how their suggested solutions might actually be used.

Still, while it is true our government has always had a fondness for fiction writers (with titles like “press secretary,” “speech writer,” and “administration fixer of scientific papers on global warming,”), I’m just glad the government is willing to listen to writers of quality speculative fiction as well.

Because, after all, spec-fic writers are the smartest people on Earth – and in 73 of the 97 magical realms Earth links to.

Your Assignment
Any thoughts on the above?

What advice do you believe a fantasy writer would or should give the government?

And for bonus points, discuss any issues, ethical or otherwise, that you see with speculative fiction writers sharing their vastly superior imaginative capabilities with The Man (aka doomsday scenarios and dystopic future realizations anyone?). 

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Twitter Still a Problem

June 14, 2008 / / No comments

Update on the Twitter transmission issue. We’re still getting interference from these transmissions. This is really begin to annoy our imposed-psychology department and, frankly, costing the university money in tracking down the source of this problem.

Here’s the latest example of the kind of gibberish that is bleeding into our mind-control signal.

Twitter Interface Query: [WHAT ARE YOU DOING?]

PippinPimp: Gandalf asked me to risk my life lighting a signal fire. Then I remembered Gandalf is a fire wizard. He can’t light it himself?! What up?

Gandalf: Fine. I’ll use Twitter talk. Twitter twitter butterfly, twitter forth, save my hide, as you have & will again, twitter twitter little friend

MinasTirithGuard34: Damn. Some moth flew into our torch and burst into flame, then flew into the signal pyre and lit it off! Hope I don’t get fired for this.

Amon Din: @MinasTirith I lit our signal fire!

Eilenach: @AmonDin I lit our signal fire!

Nardol: @Eilenach I lit our signal fire!

Erelas: @Nardol I lit our signal fire!

Min-Rimmon: @Erelas I lit our signal fire!

Calenhad: @Min-Rimmon I lit our signal fire!

Halifirien: @Calenhad I lit our signal fire!

StriderRanger:  Theoden – The Beacons of Minas Tirith! The Beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid.

HorseKing99: I’m giving a dramatic pause.

HorseKing99: More dramatic pause.

HorseKing99: Still with the dramatic pause.

HorseKing99: And Rohan will answer. Muster the Rohirrim. Assemble the army at Dunharrow … You have two days. On the third, we ride for Gondor and war!

Your Assignment: Provide any feedback on this transmission, and read the previous post on the Twitter problem. 

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Twitter Transmissions from Other Realms

June 14, 2008 / / No comments

Our communications technology department here at QU has picked up some strange transmissions in the ethernet. There is apparently a hot new etherapp called “Twitter” that is interfering with our mind-control transmission signals. I have included below a couple of the transmissions we intercepted. It seems each post is limited to 140 characters, which has inspired contests and bursts of creativity not seen since back when I time-travelled to ancient Japan and invented Haikus.

Twitters from the Immortal Club Men’s Room 
As transcribed by Randall Scott Henderson 

Twitter Avatar: Twitter 9.0 Transreality Communications online. Welcome ImmortalClubJanitor. [WHAT ARE YOU DOING?]

ImmortalClubJanitor: Testing. Is this thing working? Hi. My name is Ed. I clean the “male” restroom at the Immortal Club. Thought I’d try this Twitter thing.

ImmortalClubJanitor: Damn zombies. One let his bowels loose in the hall. Literally. I’m cleaning bowels from the carpet. New zombie rule – diapers or no entry

ImmortalClubJanitor: Saw Betty, she cleans the “female” restroom. One of Hestia’s brood. Fine woman, great hips. But the bosses dislike us workers fraternizing.

ImmortalClubJanitor: Damn. Eaters of Souls and Corruption Bingo night. Corruption don’t smell like roses to start; but crapped out corruption? Fuggedaboutit.

ImmortalClubJanitor: My 137th birthday today. Bosses got me a cake and a card. Big boss called me Fred. Awkward. Betty wasn’t there. Seems she quit. Damn.

ImmortalClubJanitor: Dark gods don’t even try to aim, evil bastards. I mean really, on the ceiling? Come on! I put cute bunny targets in toilet, but didn’t work.

ImmortalClubJanitor: The good gods might eat sweet smellin love, but their poo smells like a dead rat floating in rotten milk. It’s the stress. Bad for digestion

BathroomBetty: @ImmortalClubJanitor Hey Ed! Didn’t know you twittered. Remember, at least good deities are quiet and clean in the stalls. Their bowels move in mysterious ways.

ImmortalClubJanitor: @BathroomBetty Hi Bett! True. And I’d rather have Good God stink than clean digested hatred off ceramic tile once it’s dried and hardened. So where you at?

[YOUR DIRECT MESSAGES]

[Direct Message] BathroomBetty:I’m working for a wealthy jinn whose looking for another palace janitor. Hint, hint.

[Direct Message] ImmortalClubJanitor: Wow. Leaving this job would be hard. Been here 87 years. Job security and all. And once I burn that rainbow bridge, ain’t no going back.

[Direct Message] BathroomBetty: Yeah, well, I thought you liked my hips, big boy?

[Direct Message] ImmortalClubJanitor: You read that?

[Direct Message] BathroomBetty: And liked it 🙂 Your hips ain’t bad either. And FYI – the jinn doesn’t discourage fraternization. Just sayin. Think about it.

[Direct Message] ImmortalClubJanitor: I will. Thanks. And if you’re ever back in this dimension, look me up.

[WHAT ARE YOU DOING?]
ImmortalClubJanitor: Why do good gods make bad customers? They never give tips, just sad smiles & advice to forsake the need for worldly goods. Yeah, thanks bud.

ImmortalClubJanitor: Vamps. Act all royal & snotty. But ever smelled blood digested thru dead guts? Redefines ‘something crawled inside and died.’ I need a raise

ImmortalClubJanitor: Bosses laughed about the raise. And they’re making us pay for our own coffee now. Company cost cutting. Bastards.

[YOUR DIRECT MESSAGES] [Direct Message] ImmortalClubJanitor: Betty, get them hips ready, ’cause here I come.

Twitter Avatar: ImmortalClubJanitor session terminated.

Your Assignment: Share any interesting twitters you’ve intercepted to assist our technicians in analyzing this phenomenon, or your thoughts on the twitter craze in general. 

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Is a Good Time Travel Movie Really So Hard?

June 11, 2008 / / No comments

I see that Warner Brothers mangled (er, I mean made) Bradbury’s classic story “A Sound of Thunder” into B-grade movie. Given the source material, there was a chance the movie would actually be good. But alas, I hear it is, at best, so so.

I haven’t the heart to actually watch, because unfortunately, too many time travel movies I’ve seen lately have sucked T-Rex doo-doo.

THE CLASSIC REMADE — BADLY
I recently watched the 2002 remake of The Time Machine again. And as much as I would love to have the time machine prop from that film as the centerpiece in my living room, I remember now why it’s been years since I watched this film.

[ALERT! TIME MACHINE SPOILER] One thing in particular really ruined the movie, and made the hero seem like a whiny wimp to me. And that is that he goes back one time to try and save his true love. One time. And when that doesn’t work out, he spends the rest of the film on a quest to the future to discover why he can’t change the past.

Newsflash, bozo, you did change the past.

Instead of his love being killed by a mugger, she is killed by a man’s steam car. The mugger is free to commit more crimes on an entirely different couple. The man who owned the steam car has been changed forever, and probably arrested for manslaughter. And maybe, if you tried again, and tried a little harder, you could actually save your love on the third try. Why not give it a go, what the heck. She’s only the true love you broke the laws of time for. Surely she’s worth a whopping TWO tries?
[TERMINATE TIME MACHINE SPOILER]

PREMONITION OF SUCKINESS
A more recent example of stupid time travel movies is Premonition.

It sucked. And here’s the spoiler-free reason why:

She doesn’t actually try to change anything (except possibly at the end). So what’s the point of making a movie like this, a predictable and average marriage drama with the “twist” of the days shown out of order, if she doesn’t actually do anything different or special with her foreknowledge?

As soon as she realized she was jumping back and forth in time, the next time she jumped backwards she should have done everything she could to change future events.

[ALERT! PREMONITION SPOILER – THOUGH ITS HARD TO SPOIL A CRAPTACULAR MOVIE LIKE THIS]
I have one word for you, lady – Mapquest! Take a few minutes and look up an alternate route for your husband! Seriously.

There a hundred things she could have changed, such as not seeking out the doctor she knows will later commit her, or even scheduling the funeral for a different day.

But the absolute worse? The one that had me shouting “Oh my GAWD!” and ready to throw something at the screen?

PUT THE FREAKIN STICKERS ON THE WINDOW! Geez!

“I’m a good mother!” she cries after her daughter crashes through a window and gets her face all cut up. The husband is all mangry about the fact that she didn’t put stickers on the window as they’d discussed so that the girls could see the window and NOT run into it.

Then she goes back in time to before that event, on Sunday, and does she put the stickers on? Does she save her daughter that pain and scarring? Or even just tell her daughter “Don’t run through the window when I ask you to get the laundry later”? NO!

Instead she goes running off seeking answers on her time jumping from … a priest, who inexplicably just whips out the big ole book about precognitive occurrences — you know, every church has one — and reads it to her??? WTF?

And I don’t want to hear crap about the immutable flow of time, theories on the inability to change future events, blah blah blah. Because, if she had tried and failed, well, that would be something now, wouldn’t it? I’m all for her trying to change the future but then events conspiring to put the timeline back in order and things proceeding as they were intended to anyway. That would be cool. That would be interesting. That would give her even greater reason for frustration and tension, as she fights against time itself and is thwarted. Will she succeed? We just don’t know.

But, again, SHE DIDN’T EVEN TRY!

And no, attempting to stop the accident at the end doesn’t count, because we don’t know she didn’t do so in the first place. And besides, that is a really, really lame “twist” ending when you see it coming from the start.
[TERMINATE PREMONITION SPOILER. AND IF POSSIBLE, THE GENIUSES WHO BRING US SUCH CRAPPY TIME TRAVEL FILMS]

GOOD TIME-TRAVEL MOVIES? (AS OPPOSED TO GOOD-TIME TRAVEL MOVIES)
I mean, this is how much I hated Premonition – I actually enjoyed The Butterfly Effect by comparison. Seriously, an Ashton Kutcher film was frickin’ genius when compared to Premonition – that can’t be good.

At least The Butterfly Effect attempted to be clever about its back and forth time jumping, setting up his later jumps early in the movie. Unlike in both Time Machine and Premonition, he tries multiple times to change things, and we get to see how each small change in the past leads to largely different futures.

Heck, even Timecop with Jean-Claude Van Damme is better than the new Time Machine or Premonition. And dude, so is Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, for that matter.

As for other time travel films:
Back to the Future was whacky fun-ness, if light on the science.

Twelve Monkeys is a great movie that used time travel well, but could have been equally great using some gimmick other than time travel.

Donnie Darko (theatrical version, not the director’s confuso-cut), one of my fave movies that has, among other things, a fairly satisfying use of time travel.

Michael Chrichton’s Timeline was okay, but lacked most of the science facts and science fictions that make the book great.

Somewhere in Time is a quiet little gem, but more a romance or drama than a “time travel” movie in my mind.

Both the 1960’s version of Time Machine, and the movie Time after Time, were enjoyable, especially compared to the 2002 Time Machine movie.

Millenium and The Final Countdown were so-so, Timerider is cheesy goodness, and Time Bandits is comic genius but could hardly be considered science fiction.

Groundhog Day and Run Lola Run are brilliant, but fall only loosely under the umbrella of time travel.

Star Trek IV and Star Trek First Contact were among the better Star Trek films (take that as you choose). And yes, SG-1 Season 8’s “Moebius” episodes were cool. But man did they blow “1969” – I mean, what the heck was up with that music?

Your Assignment

What about you? Any favorite time travel movies? Or television shows? (Greatest time travel show of all time – Dr. Who, Quantum Leap, or Voyagers? ) Or thoughts on the movies listed above? Or your own ideas for great time travel movies?

How about worse time travel movies (A Knight in Camelot with Whoopi Goldberg anyone?). Or general pet peeves about time travel movies (like superheroes that turn back time by flying around the earth really, really fast)?

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Magical Chemistry Quiz

June 11, 2008 / / No comments

Healing potions are cool.  But I can’t stand the aftertaste.  It’s like, I don’t know, licking the inside of a unicorn’s nose?  Or the ear of an unfortunately sweaty elf maid?  Well, you know what I mean, right?

 

And by the way, if you were going to respond “how would you know what licking a unicorn’s nose or a sweaty elf maid’s ear tastes like,” well, okay, you got me.

 

I’ve only done one of those things.

Your homework is to describe how you imagine any particular potion tastes (or quote a description from a book or story you’ve read that struck you as particularly memorable and/or accurate).

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The Problem with SCI FI Original Movies

June 11, 2008 / / No comments

“SCI FI Saturday: The most dangerous night of television!”

You can say that again.  With a few exceptions that are based on quality fiction (such as the Dune movies), SCI FI Original Movies are an astounding mixture of cultural insensitivity, historical inaccuracy, disregard for actual science, horrible acting, and home-computer quality effects.  Which is too bad, because they could do so much better.

In fact, they are so bad that a variety of drinking games have sprung up around watching them, both to make them more interesting, and to simultaneously dull the pain.

Here’s my own little game for ya’ (drinking is optional).

Below are a few SCI FI Original Movie descriptions. Some of them are real. Others I just made up. Can you guess which are which?


1. AZTEC REX: The Aztecs summoned a Tyrannosaurus Rex to keep Cortes (Ian Ziering from ‘90210′) and his army out of Mexico. Now they need the Conquistadors’ help to stop the T-Rex from killing them all – and to save the beautiful Aztec princess (played by sexy Nepalese actress Dichen Lachman).

2. Night of the Three-Eyed Cyclops: When archeologist Zip Steel uncovers an ancient Greek pyramid, he finds he’s found the find of a lifetime. But when the pyramid’s guardian awakens, it will be one dark and stormy night for Zip and the beautiful belly dancer-turned-translator Jenny Jenson. Can they survive long enough to find the heart of the pyramid’s maze, and gain the power of Pluto’s Diadem?

3. Earthstorm: When an asteroid slams into the moon, cataclysmic aftereffects threaten to destroy Earth. Scientists call on demolitions expert John Redding (Stephen Baldwin) to save the day. Dirk Benedict and Anna Silk co-star.

4. Dragons of Elsinore: Hamlet must pretend to be insane, as he plots against the sorcerer whose dragon killed Hamlet’s father and now holds the tropical kingdom of Denmark hostage! Co-stars Bambi Honeywell as Ifeelia.

5. Manticore: A tough U.S. Army squad is sent to a small Iraqi town to locate a missing news crew. What they find is the manticore, a mythic beast unleashed by a terrorist leader to protect the land from unwanted invaders. A lion with dragon’s wings and a scorpion’s tail, the manticore will give these soldiers the fight of their lives.

6. Prawn Storm!: Model-turned-singer Cindy Shazam and her bodyguard, a grizzled ex-Navy Seal with a dark secret, are stranded in a small village when their tour bus breaks down – just as a swarm of giant mutant prawns attacks! Featuring the music of Paris Hilton.

7. ADAM REX! Stalwart priest Father Dirk Studwell and exotic dancer-turned-Sunday school teacher Pamela Sweetings stumble across a gay conspiracy meeting, where couples plot to engage in monogamous lifelong relationships. But before they can stop the conspiracy they are sent back 6,000 years to Earth’s creation! With the help of early historical figures Samson and George Washington, can they stop a T-Rex from destroying the tropical garden of Eden and return to the present to set things extremely right?!

8. Dog Soldiers: A squad of British soldiers, training in an isolated Scottish glen, find lycanthropic action under a full moon. It’s werewolves vs. hardware — and more than that, it’s a gritty, naturalistic drama with relentless action and a band-of-brothers poignancy. An ensemble cast led by charismatic Brit tough-guy actors Sean Pertwee (Event Horizon, Soldier) plus “can’t-take-your-eyes-off-her” newcomer Emma Cleasby, fleshes out a taut tale of blood ‘n’ guts — in both meanings of the term.

9. Mantiwhore: In the midst of a violent vice crackdown in Los Angeles, jaded cowboy-turned-cop Jake Stone (Biff Bradley) searches for his stepsister-turned-prostitute, Shaniqua. What he finds is the mantiwhore, a mythic beast unleashed by a pimp (Tyrell Black) to punish his hos and kill nosy cops. A hot-momma lioness with dragon’s wings, a scorpion’s tail, and one hell of a body, the mantiwhore will test Jake’s courage, and force him to explore animal feelings he thought buried on the farm long, long ago.

10. Frankenfish: Medical investigator Sam Rivers is assigned to investigate murders in the Louisiana swamps. Together with beautiful biologist Mary Callahan, they soon come face to face with genetically engineered Chinese snake-heads! Between Rivers and the wealthy hunter who owns the creatures, can they catch the one that got away, or will it catch them?!

11. Alien Flood: When a comet hits the moon sending it crashing into Mexico, a giant tidal wave of illegal immigrants threatens to sweep across the southern United States. Scientists call on general contractor Tex Nails to save the day. Can he and his rag tag crew of plumbers, framers, and concrete layers build a giant wall in time to stop the flood of hard-working aliens?

12. Crimson Force: An earth crew lands on Mars in search of the ultimate power source hidden somewhere beneath the ground. What they find is a civil war between the High Priest of Mars, and the High Priestess. The crew is split apart over which side to take – can they come together in time to stop the sexy High Priestess’s secret plans to invade earth?

13. Back in Black: Muslim leader Malcom X (played by New Zealand soap star Tawera Roa) travels back to Charleston in the age of slavery to battle the true source of slavery – aliens who brainwashed the poor white slave owners into thinking slavery was cool. But he must first overcome the surprising resistance, and the heart, of beautiful dancer-turned-slave Harriet Tubman (Asian pop-star Asumi Kobayashi). Can he help the poor plantation owners in time? (Post-Production Note: “We recognize that some viewers may be offended by this film, but we assure you that we meant no offense to you, the descendents of former slave owners. Our intent was to provide an ironic example of how a Muslim extremist might have saved freedom in America – thus helping to bridge the gap between Americans and them Arab people.”)

14. Heatstroke: She’s a model, he’s an elite commando. They’re going to solve global warming — by destroying the aliens who are causing it!

15. Terra Sharka: When beautiful women are found dead and half-naked in their homes from apparent shark attacks, Oceanologist-turned-detective Gunn Rockwell must figure out what is killing them, and how it is getting into their homes without any sign of forced entry. Co-stars Chevy Chase.

16. The Phantomly Menacing: Two space knights must stop the efforts of a large Asian alien (”Asiens” for short) trade competitor with offensive mock-”Oriental” accents, who are trying to overthrow the power and sanctity of a democratic government. Will both the knights and the Asiens succumb to the dark manipulations of a dark lord using a dark force, or will hero Bar-Bar Jinks (played by Carrot Top) save the day with his whacky antics? Starring Christopher Lambert as the Space Knight, and Stephen Baldwin as his apprentice.

(Answers are in a response post below (aka back of the book).  But don’t cheat).

Your assignment: Add your own suggestions for SCI FI Original Movies, games related to them, or your thoughts in general on these lovely creations.

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